Define Support
I know a lot of people, a lot of people, however, I only have four TRUE friends. Its safe to say, these people are partially part of the reason why I am who I am. They are nurtured, helped and been there for me when no one else gave a damn basically. Lately, I’ve had major issues with each, unbeknownst to them, to the point where it is re-shaping how I view them and our friendship.
The first friend, Mr. Magenta, has become EXTREMELY materialistic over the past three months. He recently came into some $$$, which was given to him, not earned, and it has began to change his being to the core. His comments are condescending, his attitude is offensive and his morality is shifting. In short, he has cash without the class and it bothers me because I want to say something, but don’t know what to say.
Friend two, Ms. Cyan, is a recent, but loyal friend who listens to all my ideas, but is always expecting to get something for nothing. She has been this way at times, however, recently she took the damn cake, chewed and swallowed it! As you may well know, I have a new book out Capturing Sunrays in a Glass Jar, well, upon letting her see it, she promptly went on a tirade about how she shouldn’t have to pay for it because we were friends. I saw her comments as a lack of support, had it been me, I’d tried to have been the first person who bought a copy in effort to support my girl; she saw it differently. It didn’t bother me at first, as of late, its made me want to interact with her less and though its not about the money, it is about how I perceive support.
Friend three, Mr. Chartreuse, I believe is a Down Low brother based on a few comments he’s made and a bi-sexual friend telling me she’s seen him a popular gay club with a male escort. None of which is my business, however, his wife was my friend before I met him so I feel guilty for neither telling her nor confronting him; what should I do, if anything?
Finally, friend four, Mr. Black, he’s my mans and them, but he has a gambling problem, a major one! He gets paid on Friday, is broke on Sunday; its ridiculous. I don’t know how to tell him to get some help, plus, he owes me $2,500. I’m starting to feel like an enabler, however, I don’t want him to start stealing, selling drugs, turning tricks or whatever in order to support his habit.
Sorry, just wrestling with what it means to be a so-called supportive friend. Please advise.
The first friend, Mr. Magenta, has become EXTREMELY materialistic over the past three months. He recently came into some $$$, which was given to him, not earned, and it has began to change his being to the core. His comments are condescending, his attitude is offensive and his morality is shifting. In short, he has cash without the class and it bothers me because I want to say something, but don’t know what to say.
Friend two, Ms. Cyan, is a recent, but loyal friend who listens to all my ideas, but is always expecting to get something for nothing. She has been this way at times, however, recently she took the damn cake, chewed and swallowed it! As you may well know, I have a new book out Capturing Sunrays in a Glass Jar, well, upon letting her see it, she promptly went on a tirade about how she shouldn’t have to pay for it because we were friends. I saw her comments as a lack of support, had it been me, I’d tried to have been the first person who bought a copy in effort to support my girl; she saw it differently. It didn’t bother me at first, as of late, its made me want to interact with her less and though its not about the money, it is about how I perceive support.
Friend three, Mr. Chartreuse, I believe is a Down Low brother based on a few comments he’s made and a bi-sexual friend telling me she’s seen him a popular gay club with a male escort. None of which is my business, however, his wife was my friend before I met him so I feel guilty for neither telling her nor confronting him; what should I do, if anything?
Finally, friend four, Mr. Black, he’s my mans and them, but he has a gambling problem, a major one! He gets paid on Friday, is broke on Sunday; its ridiculous. I don’t know how to tell him to get some help, plus, he owes me $2,500. I’m starting to feel like an enabler, however, I don’t want him to start stealing, selling drugs, turning tricks or whatever in order to support his habit.
Sorry, just wrestling with what it means to be a so-called supportive friend. Please advise.
posted by SLUMP FACADE at 9:51:00 AM
FIRST SUCKAS!!!
Wow, this is tough Slump! Actually I think we all end up here at some point cause I believe most relationships are seasonal and very few (1-2) are everlasting! But that's not my point...I think it is critcal in all relationships to make sure that you dont compromise who YOU are in order to keep them happy. For me that means ALWAYS being honest about how you feel even if that means you could potentially lose the friendship. That said, I think you need to address each of them specifically based on how you are feeling. And you dont have to do it all in one fell swoop...I think you should consider everything you are feeling first and then determine how best to approach each person based on how you are feeling...be honest and tell them how their actions and attitudes are making you feel. Validate how much you value them of course but explain that their value should not be to the detriment of your comfort/peace of mind.
In particular I think you should address the Down Low cat, for a number of reasons but the primary one being that as a black man, I think you have a responsibility to call out other black men when they are placing sistah's in harms way without those very same women knowing about it. Its costing us as a community way to much to be this selfish and irresponsible with the lives of innocent people and it has to stop. Man to man I think you should go to him with your suspicions, evidence, word on the street and tell him how you feel about it...not from a judgemental standpoint but from the perspective of a black man who loves and respects this man's black wife!
Peace & Blessings...
wow...that's a lot to deal with, but sometimes we've got to make sure we're looking at things from all perspectives...sometimes it's just us and. I've had friends feel some type of way that was completely unwarrented and when we got deep into things they realized they were over reacting or being overly sensitive to things.
I kinda feel you on the friend wanted a copy of the book for free, but at the same time...why not. Realistically...there should have been a tug-a-war...her saying...NO WAY...I'M PAYING TO SUPPORT YOU AND YOU SAYING...HECK NO...YOU'RE SPECIAL AND "are partially part of the reason why I am who I am" but, we look view things differently.
I thought about this one. Since you asked for advice, I'm going to give you what my friends call the "shameless truth".
The friends we have are a reflection of ourselves. I honestly believe we get what we give. I have adopted Erykah Badu's "Apple Tree" look at friendships
"I pick my friends like I pick my fruit"
Now, having said that I agree that this is again an instance of perception. No one worth their salt stays the same their whole life only dead things don't grow and change. If you can accept that truth in life then you can begin to see your friends through eyes of change and growth rather than focus on the awkward stage they are in right now. I'd be willing to bet dimes against dollars that over the course of these friendships each of these people wanted to throttle you too because you were in an awkward stage of growth.
The test of true friendship is whether or not you judge their behavior or come to them with love and express concern.
To the money man I can only say that money makes you the person you really are. Period end of discussion. Money gives you freedom from certain constraints which allow your true personality to show through. If he is really as bad as all that then my question becomes what drew you to him to begin with. After all real friends know how each other will react to money because we get to see each other raw well before any riches come into play.
As to Ms. Cyan now come on BK. For real though. If she is a loyal friend I'm trying to figure out why you didn't give her a book. Are sales THAT important? YOU said loyal friend. Which to me says she has your back. I'm trying to figure out why she didn't have pre release copy. You never know how many more people should would have reached because she was psyched you appreciated her loyalty enough to give her the book. That one is you not her. You never know what support you missed out on because you chose to make an issue over $20.00. Somethings are priceless. We entertain angels unawares.
Now to dude on the DL. Are you his friend or his wife's friend. If you are his friend then you need to talk to dude and voice your concern without being judgmental. If you are his wife's friend then you should talk to him and let him know that if he doesn't clear this up to your satisfaction you are going to tell wifey. This WILL CAUSE DRAMA. I guarantee it. But you owe it to homegirl to tell her she is at risk. If this is not a true friend situation then mind ya business and let them figure it out.
As to Mr. Black... Cut him off. Not as a friend but financially. The best friends will allow you to hit rock bottom then be there for you when you need help up. I am against enabling behavior. Let him man up and accept the consequences of his actions. True friends don't help you continue destructive behaviors, they call you on it, tell you about yourself and give you a firm hand to hold onto while you pick yourself up. They do not however try to keep you from a life of crime. He is not a child. Show him true friendship and be there for him but do not help him throw his life away.
*WHEW* That made me tired lol. I think I'll take a nap now. Have a great day!
THANK YOU INGRID...LOL, I don't know you, but those were some of the truest words I've ever heard...LOl.