Regrets
...so much is running through my head, this is what came out when I tried to speak...
Pleading
These words uttered, vibrations of air,
represent a defense mechanism,
causing pain like shards of glass thrown with the purpose of slicing,
knife-like, when used at just the right moments,
deadening, numbing, repulsive,
not to be used as an excuse,
activated whenever emotions protrude,
damaging barrier, but not meant for you,
specifically designed for those who carelessly stomp dreams,
tear at the seems self-esteem which took years to build,
gone in moments leaving still internal carnage,
leaving a steel wool heart, heartless incarnate,
leaving standing over stool moments,
sleepless nights, lack of hunger,
alcoholic induced vomit fits as attempts to TRY to move forward,
all in vain,
when in pain, lashing out appears to be the remedy,
the solution to being empty,
having you represents innocence, purity as a counterbalance to filth,
a juxtaposition to guilt felt for truly being unable to love in the right manner,
would rather splatter brains in vain knowing second chance opportunities are gone,
would rather slit wrists than know our "experience" will never revisit this place we've built called "our own",
would rather admit loving you is better than loving myself,
would rather admit death is better than your love somewhere else,
somewhere felt by someone who has no appreciation,
someone who doesn't lose concentration at the sound of your voice,
someone who benefited from my choice to be verbally abusive,
intrusive of your essence, leaving me yearning for your presence,
like past for the present afraid to accept a future which is absent of you...
Pleading II
I'm hurting, which is the only time I'm vicious,
because I'm unable to manage the magic,
to hold it all in the balance,
unable to tune out the static,
to see how tragic it is without completion,
you represent a season for growth,
please forgive my inability,
lack of maturity concerning having the "best" woman in the entire world,
please stay...
Pleading III
I don't know what else to do.
I'm horrible at love.
I stay on the defensive.
I have abandonment issues.
I long for balance.
I want our love to be equal.
I find it difficult to breath.
I PROMISE TO NEVER SPEAK TO YOU LIKE THAT AGAIN!
I need you to please forgive me so we can move forward.
I hurt, in the future I'll discuss it without acting out.
I was taught to do so.
I make no excuses.
I am sick.
Pleading
These words uttered, vibrations of air,
represent a defense mechanism,
causing pain like shards of glass thrown with the purpose of slicing,
knife-like, when used at just the right moments,
deadening, numbing, repulsive,
not to be used as an excuse,
activated whenever emotions protrude,
damaging barrier, but not meant for you,
specifically designed for those who carelessly stomp dreams,
tear at the seems self-esteem which took years to build,
gone in moments leaving still internal carnage,
leaving a steel wool heart, heartless incarnate,
leaving standing over stool moments,
sleepless nights, lack of hunger,
alcoholic induced vomit fits as attempts to TRY to move forward,
all in vain,
when in pain, lashing out appears to be the remedy,
the solution to being empty,
having you represents innocence, purity as a counterbalance to filth,
a juxtaposition to guilt felt for truly being unable to love in the right manner,
would rather splatter brains in vain knowing second chance opportunities are gone,
would rather slit wrists than know our "experience" will never revisit this place we've built called "our own",
would rather admit loving you is better than loving myself,
would rather admit death is better than your love somewhere else,
somewhere felt by someone who has no appreciation,
someone who doesn't lose concentration at the sound of your voice,
someone who benefited from my choice to be verbally abusive,
intrusive of your essence, leaving me yearning for your presence,
like past for the present afraid to accept a future which is absent of you...
Pleading II
I'm hurting, which is the only time I'm vicious,
because I'm unable to manage the magic,
to hold it all in the balance,
unable to tune out the static,
to see how tragic it is without completion,
you represent a season for growth,
please forgive my inability,
lack of maturity concerning having the "best" woman in the entire world,
please stay...
Pleading III
I don't know what else to do.
I'm horrible at love.
I stay on the defensive.
I have abandonment issues.
I long for balance.
I want our love to be equal.
I find it difficult to breath.
I PROMISE TO NEVER SPEAK TO YOU LIKE THAT AGAIN!
I need you to please forgive me so we can move forward.
I hurt, in the future I'll discuss it without acting out.
I was taught to do so.
I make no excuses.
I am sick.
very VERY strong b, one of your best writes...all 3
usually the pieces that come from a pure place are...
Thank you... I thought you had stopped reading my blog. The piece was a long time coming. Introspection was the catalyst, plus, I needed to be honest with myself, REAL HONEST!
i too agree that it was long time coming...i ALWAYS greatly appreciate your honesty--no matter how long it takes...
your words touched me from the beginning, way back when, remember??..pleading III is everything I want to say today...
that was so expressive. it seems like you dug deep inside and released all the emotions you were feeling. i hope that this will lead to the cleansing and healing it sounds like you're hoping for.