A. Scrooge

Let me be the first to say, the winter holidays are amongst my favorite!!! It is the time of year when smiles are made, drank is consumed and people eat way beyond their limits. Those who can, give, those who can not, receive. It is always a win, win situation, at least until now. I do not know who began the trend, but I swear, upon finding out ass is going to get whooped! All of my recent anger stems from receiving the "ungift" from several persons, who shall remain nameless. How does the "ungift" work? Let me explain.

Johnny and Carl exchange gifts each winter holiday, have done so for at least 10 years. However, this year, since Carl has been spending far too much time at the local Starbucks having conversations about changing the world--this year he decides to do so without telling Johnny. Johnny, on the other hand, purchases Carl a nice stainless steel wine rack/refrigerator complete with three bottles of his favorite Frank Coppola BLACK LABEL Cabernet Sauvignon ($100 per).

The moment of gift exchange has arrived!!!!

Johnny tells Carl, "Happy Holiday, I got you something to help you with your drinking fetish!" Carl opens the gifts with little excitement, says, "thank you, now its time for you to open my gift to you." Carl hands Johnny a micro-thin envelope and says, "Happy Holiday, I got you something to change your spirits!" Johnny opens it to find a certificate reading, "Your willingness to show love during this holiday time has been greatly appreciated, the handi-capped Ukrainian worker who received a wheelchair (in your name) really needed your blessing."

...of course, in the aforementioned example, Johnny thanks Carl for helping him make a difference (in his name) then proceeds to toast to the holiday, celebrating by having a glass of the BLACK LABEL. I'm no Scrooge, but Hell Nawl!!! I don't want anyone who remotely thinks they want to purchase me a gift to donate anything (in my name), I want my gift. My best friend told me his boss announced the following at their profit-sharing Christmas party...
"Fellow employees, this is the best year of profit we have experienced since the inception of the company which is why, (in your name) 50 families will eat Christmas dinner!!!" He said, "Dawg, I was mad as Hell!" The announcement put him in a precarious situation, if he request his cut of the bonus people will think he is an ass so withholds his true feelings and takes one for the time.

Just for the record, you don't have to give 20 prosthetic limbs (in my name) or give 50 blankets for the homeless people (in my name) or provide three meals a day to a child in Africa (in my name); the best you can do is purchase my gift and hand it to me. Besides, how do I know the kid in Honduras received the 15 bags of tea soil to plant crops in the desert? I don't know, exactly...

The lesson of the post, if you want to get me something for the holidays, feel free to purchase a bowtie; preferably, stripped in the following colours: black/gold, purple/gold, crimson/cream, royal blue/white or brown/gold, pink/green, royal blue/yellow...
...those who know, know!!!