Advice Please
"Being with You Scarred Me for Life," -- Niseanda
What do you do when your WORK phone rings
and on the other end is an angry woman?
Not just any woman, but your "first love"
calling you OUT OF THE BLUE, thirteen years
after you have seen her last, to reprimand
you for how you conducted yourself during
your adolescent collegiate relationship.
Mind you, it was my first "real" relationship
that didn't include sharing a locker or
wearing matching T-shirts or having my daddy
drive us places and return to pick us up.
I'm astonished!!!
I mean she tore into me about things I have
long since forgotten, e. g. when I failed to
send her a birthday card on her 21st birthday.
The conversation lasted all of 13 minutes, 26 seconds,
but it got me to thinking, "was I really a crappy
boy friend?" Not to make any excuses, but
she was the first girl with whom I had sex
and kinda knew what I was doing. She regretted
giving my her virginity!
She was the first girl I told, "I love you," and meant it.
She helped me with Alpha pledging and step show ideas,
typing my papers, taught me how to cook, showed me
how to love, threw my 21st birthday party -- even stuck
with me thru issues I had with my mother. Ironically,
though I can list practically all the good, all she
could remember was the bad. When I said I'd show up
at events and didn't, when I got drunk all the time
and acted an ass, when I called off our wedding because
her parents were TOO much in the business of CONTROLING
EVERYTHING -- she remembered it all. Hearing her voice
brought back memories, Hell, she quoted me things I said
from 10 years ago (direct quotes)!!!!
I gave her my 405.706.#### to the cell and asked her to
call me so we could have a candid conversation from the
office parking lot, but she still hasn't called me back.
Damn, I wonder what that was all about?
What should I do/say if she calls yet again?
Just wanted some advice from the blog world...
What do you do when your WORK phone rings
and on the other end is an angry woman?
Not just any woman, but your "first love"
calling you OUT OF THE BLUE, thirteen years
after you have seen her last, to reprimand
you for how you conducted yourself during
your adolescent collegiate relationship.
Mind you, it was my first "real" relationship
that didn't include sharing a locker or
wearing matching T-shirts or having my daddy
drive us places and return to pick us up.
I'm astonished!!!
I mean she tore into me about things I have
long since forgotten, e. g. when I failed to
send her a birthday card on her 21st birthday.
The conversation lasted all of 13 minutes, 26 seconds,
but it got me to thinking, "was I really a crappy
boy friend?" Not to make any excuses, but
she was the first girl with whom I had sex
and kinda knew what I was doing. She regretted
giving my her virginity!
She was the first girl I told, "I love you," and meant it.
She helped me with Alpha pledging and step show ideas,
typing my papers, taught me how to cook, showed me
how to love, threw my 21st birthday party -- even stuck
with me thru issues I had with my mother. Ironically,
though I can list practically all the good, all she
could remember was the bad. When I said I'd show up
at events and didn't, when I got drunk all the time
and acted an ass, when I called off our wedding because
her parents were TOO much in the business of CONTROLING
EVERYTHING -- she remembered it all. Hearing her voice
brought back memories, Hell, she quoted me things I said
from 10 years ago (direct quotes)!!!!
I gave her my 405.706.#### to the cell and asked her to
call me so we could have a candid conversation from the
office parking lot, but she still hasn't called me back.
Damn, I wonder what that was all about?
What should I do/say if she calls yet again?
Just wanted some advice from the blog world...
posted by SLUMP FACADE at 10:26:00 AM
IMHO only, it sounds like a case of "I went through counseling and my counselor told me that I needed to heal some old wounds if I were able." Apparently she was able.
Not to make light of the situation, why stress it? It was 13 years ago and I'm sure you've both (well, maybe you have) moved on. If she hasn't, she needs to. Or she needs to address the root cause of her call. Maybe she realized she missed out on what could have been a good thing. There are a lot of unsaids and now that she's opened Pandora's box, she needs to either close it or that negative energy is going to bring unnecessary turmoil in your life.
Again, this is all me speculating, but whatever it is, I hope you get some resolution.
Be blessed!
Are you kidding me? That is some bullshit. I can't even believe you kept talking to her for that long without hanging up the phone. Do you know how many dudes have hurt me in my life? I mean really hurt me to the point where I didn't know how I would get up and face the world the next day. I wouldn't dream of calling them up and calling the out on that bullshit. Wanna know why? Because grown ups move on with their lives. They don't hold on to bullshit from the past because that shit will weight you down in the future. They realize that the only person that can heal you is you. Not someone else. If she calls you back tell her you are not interested in rehashing a relationship that is over a decade old from that you have moved on from. Tell her if she needs to vent then perhaps she should call a therapist. She's crazy. Don't encourage that petty behavior and don't feel guilty for how you acted in the past. We all make mistakes. We learn, we grow and we move on. At least grown folk do.
WOW!
What dha fuck?!!? (LOL)
Okay, I've got to admit, the first thing I thought was EXACTLY what Blujewel said. I was like: "Self, this chick must be in therapy and decided the only way to move forward was to dump her shit on Facade!"
I also agree with JJ. She would have been introduced to Mr Click so damn fast it would have made her head spin. At least it would have made her think long and hard about contacting the next person on her list with some ole out-of-date, happened-over-a-decade-ago type shit. Wow.
Anyway, my dear... I understand you wanting to be sensitive to her feelings since she was a whole lot of "first" things to you; HOWEVER, you can't even let her take you there. It's time for her to move dha fuck on... you have! Right?! Any feelings she's harboring are only working to make her a bitter and unhappy individual. She can't possibly look toward the future if she's still living in the past and for that reason my heart also goes out to her. But! It's not your problem and I don't think you should internalize it as such!
Sorry for the long ass response!
Peace!
You're a much better man than me, I probably wouldn't have hung up (at first), but I sure as hell wouldn't have let her rant on like that without giving her some fever in return. Some folks move on and others have more difficulty than others. We've all been the perpetrator and the victim at times. You eventually move on to a more positive relationship and let the past be the past. But 13 years???? Damn.
I wouldn't have given her the cell though. Lord knows I've made that mistake with crazy exes before. Hope ere'thing works out for ya bruh.
Let her say her peace and wish her well. Too easy to get "into it" and defend yourself and things could get ugly.
Sounds like she is in a lotta pain but it isn't on you to fix it.
Or maybe she could have just called you anonymously (not identifying herself but only as a nameless, faceless ex) and went from there. Maybe she wouldn't be so embarrassed right now; clearly she has to embarrassed after that tirade. She didn't really have to run down the list of all your faults. She could've just said: You know, you were a bad boyfriend/fiance for me. You've really hurt me in the past. I'm just now getting over it. But I wanted you to know that I didn't have a good experience with you, so, 13 (damn!)years later, I'm finally letting you go..." And then hung up the phone. You would've guessed the caller by their voice.
And 13 years later, she ought to have realized that you've probably come to your own conclusions about the relationship, gotten over them, and moved on. Thirteen years is a lifetime in the dating/marriage world. Enough time to work it out, get past it, find Mr./Mrs. Right, love, marry, have kids, go on to spend the rest of life together.... Thirteen years is a long time to harbor resentment and grudge.
I wouldn't sit up and wait on her call back. It might not ever come, now, since she's said the jist of what she wanted to say anyway.
Texas/OU: email delicouskitty@netzero.com
She is BITTER. Wow.
13 years later....I say ignore the entire situation. She called, she vented, she probably regrets calling at this point and won't call back. Just ignore and let it go.
She's searching for something and that is obvious.
She's hurt. She wants answers. She wants an explanation. She wants...CLOSURE.
Honestly, I think that if she calls you back, just talk to her. Let her vent. Talk to her. When she asks you questions, answer them. And if you have questions, ask.
Women tend to hold on to things for a long time. And maybe her pain has ripened and she's ready to deal with it now. 13 years later.
Talk to her. Don't take offense if she's billigerant with you, just understand she's venting and expressing anger and that this is her way of "getting over you" and finding closure. She really needs this.
mmmmmm...what urban said... couldnt have said it better...
i agree with Urban as well. you must have broken her heart something ugly!
good luck bruh.
@ Blujewel, Mizjj, Jus.b.fli,
g-mo, piglet, jojo d., 1969, urban butterfly, fallen angel and copa:
I appreciate the insight, I do. In hindsight, the worst thing I did to her was join Alpha Phi Alpha. It changed me. The experience turned a shy individual into a borderline arrogant ass. We had something special, but it was cut short during the pledge process. Damn, raw onions!!!! Anyway, then there was the parties, stepshows, AKA's and Delta's -- Hell, Greek life practically consumed me to the point where I nearly forgot about what she and I were developing.
Guess I was a crappy boyfriend, but I still don't think I damaged her for life or did I?
Again, I appreciate all the comments. The next time my past comes back to haunt me I'll ask for your opinions...
Guess I was a crappy boyfriend, but I still don't think I damaged her for life or did I?
Hey sweety!
Don't under-estimate her feelings. Just put yourself in her shoes and see how you would have felt if the tables were turned. That's a great way of looking at things as how they really are, instead of looking at them from your point of view. We don't always see ourselves until we step outside of ourselves and take a good look.
This is why I don't do virgins... Or at least I didn't used to, then I married one... I'm not gonna make THAT mistake again, but I digress.
No, I'm not trying to be funny. Everything that was said by the others has a lot of wisdom, but I've learned to smplify things. YOU "took" her virginity. So even though guys who came after you may have treated her much worse, YOU will always be the focus of her wrath and bitterness because YOU "took" something you can't ever give back and had the balls not to spend the rest of your life with her. Just accept that she will never completely be over you.